Boundaries: How to Say Yes

I want to offer a different perspective on boundaries with this post. Many people believe that boundaries mean saying “no” to things and that’s actually not true! I like to think of boundaries as the way you can say “yes” to things. Through the process of saying “yes,” we also get the opportunities to assess our values and act accordingly.

An example of a scenario where you identify boundaries to say “yes” might be if you have a family member who struggles with a substance use disorder and they want to come visit you for the Summer. This can be a hard situation because you want to see your relative and value time with them, but you also value providing a safe environment for your children and you may have some concerns about how their substance use may impact your family. Now, you stop and think, “What are the circumstances I need to say ‘yes’?” You may decide that you need this person to stay in a hotel or you set a limit on the length of stay they can be there. Then you have a conversation about what your boundaries are. You may start the conversation by saying, “I’m really looking forward to seeing you and I have some ideas on what will make this a healthy visit for all of us.” 

In the above example, the first thing we determined was what factors needed to be in place for us to feel comfortable saying “yes.” The conversation follows where you lay out those needs, but the other person doesn’t have to accept them. This is where boundaries get a bit tougher because you have to hold firm and also accept that maybe this won’t work out which is then where “no” becomes the only option. 

In future blog posts, I will cover more information on boundaries. To get help with your individual situation around improving boundaries, contact your Anxiety Specialist here.