Boundaries: Difficult Conversations

I’ve already explored a perspective in which boundaries give you a way to say “yes.” If you haven’t read it yet, start there.

Once you have determined what factors you need to say “yes” and how to assess what you need to act according to your values, you have to have a difficult conversation that explains your boundaries. This is where the discomfort and anxiety comes in. We can come up with a basic framework for this conversation that helps navigate a tough situation. 

I’ll use the same situation outlined in my last blog post which was about relative who is struggling with substance use and wants to come spend the summer at your house. Let’s start with a positive statement that commits to your interest in having the relative over, such as, “I really value our relationship and would love to see you this Summer.” Then we would get into the factors that you need to say “yes.” You may say, “In order for us all to have a great experience, I’m going to research the closest hotel for you to stay in. We would enjoy going out to dinner and meeting you at a water park for the day.” This is a way of establishing a boundary by indicating that you don’t want them to stay at your home and you would prefer to see them in public places. This part of the conversation is going to sound different based on what boundaries you are setting.

The hardest part of this conversation might be when the person responds in a negative way. They might say, “Well, I assumed I would stay with you and I was hoping to stay for the whole Summer.” Your response might sound like, “It sounds like we had different expectations for this visit. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable with those options. We want to see you and would enjoy meeting for a dinner and a day at the water park.” You are restating your boundaries and addressing th difference in expectations. If you continue to be met with resistance, it is appropriate to say, “It sounds like we are going to agree on these expectations. I’m sorry that we won’t be able to see you this Summer.” 

Your boundaries only mean something when you are able to enforce them. The other perspective I like to point out is that you are experiencing the discomfort of a tough conversation, which is hard, but you are avoiding the discomfort of having a relative in your home all Summer long. Choose which discomfort you want to experience. Sometimes we forget that some discomfort now actually saves us from discomfort later. Either way there is discomfort, but the conversation is usually a temporary one. 

Being an empathetic person means that boundaries are going to be hard. But there is a quote that I like by Silvy Khoucasian, “Empathy without boundaries is self-destructive.” 

To talk through your specific situation, contact an Anxiety Specialist here.