Boundaries: Difficult Conversations

I’ve already explored a perspective in which boundaries give you a way to say “yes.” If you haven’t read it yet, start there.

Once you have determined what factors you need to say “yes” and how to assess what you need to act according to your values, you have to have a difficult conversation that explains your boundaries. This is where the discomfort and anxiety comes in. We can come up with a basic framework for this conversation that helps navigate a tough situation. 

I’ll use the same situation outlined in my last blog post which was about relative who is struggling with substance use and wants to come spend the summer at your house. Let’s start with a positive statement that commits to your interest in having the relative over, such as, “I really value our relationship and would love to see you this Summer.” Then we would get into the factors that you need to say “yes.” You may say, “In order for us all to have a great experience, I’m going to research the closest hotel for you to stay in. We would enjoy going out to dinner and meeting you at a water park for the day.” This is a way of establishing a boundary by indicating that you don’t want them to stay at your home and you would prefer to see them in public places. This part of the conversation is going to sound different based on what boundaries you are setting.

The hardest part of this conversation might be when the person responds in a negative way. They might say, “Well, I assumed I would stay with you and I was hoping to stay for the whole Summer.” Your response might sound like, “It sounds like we had different expectations for this visit. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable with those options. We want to see you and would enjoy meeting for a dinner and a day at the water park.” You are restating your boundaries and addressing th difference in expectations. If you continue to be met with resistance, it is appropriate to say, “It sounds like we are going to agree on these expectations. I’m sorry that we won’t be able to see you this Summer.” 

Your boundaries only mean something when you are able to enforce them. The other perspective I like to point out is that you are experiencing the discomfort of a tough conversation, which is hard, but you are avoiding the discomfort of having a relative in your home all Summer long. Choose which discomfort you want to experience. Sometimes we forget that some discomfort now actually saves us from discomfort later. Either way there is discomfort, but the conversation is usually a temporary one. 

Being an empathetic person means that boundaries are going to be hard. But there is a quote that I like by Silvy Khoucasian, “Empathy without boundaries is self-destructive.” 

To talk through your specific situation, contact an Anxiety Specialist here.

Boundaries: How to Say Yes

I want to offer a different perspective on boundaries with this post. Many people believe that boundaries mean saying “no” to things and that’s actually not true! I like to think of boundaries as the way you can say “yes” to things. Through the process of saying “yes,” we also get the opportunities to assess our values and act accordingly.

An example of a scenario where you identify boundaries to say “yes” might be if you have a family member who struggles with a substance use disorder and they want to come visit you for the Summer. This can be a hard situation because you want to see your relative and value time with them, but you also value providing a safe environment for your children and you may have some concerns about how their substance use may impact your family. Now, you stop and think, “What are the circumstances I need to say ‘yes’?” You may decide that you need this person to stay in a hotel or you set a limit on the length of stay they can be there. Then you have a conversation about what your boundaries are. You may start the conversation by saying, “I’m really looking forward to seeing you and I have some ideas on what will make this a healthy visit for all of us.” 

In the above example, the first thing we determined was what factors needed to be in place for us to feel comfortable saying “yes.” The conversation follows where you lay out those needs, but the other person doesn’t have to accept them. This is where boundaries get a bit tougher because you have to hold firm and also accept that maybe this won’t work out which is then where “no” becomes the only option. 

In future blog posts, I will cover more information on boundaries. To get help with your individual situation around improving boundaries, contact your Anxiety Specialist here.