Boundaries: Difficult Conversations

I’ve already explored a perspective in which boundaries give you a way to say “yes.” If you haven’t read it yet, start there.

Once you have determined what factors you need to say “yes” and how to assess what you need to act according to your values, you have to have a difficult conversation that explains your boundaries. This is where the discomfort and anxiety comes in. We can come up with a basic framework for this conversation that helps navigate a tough situation. 

I’ll use the same situation outlined in my last blog post which was about relative who is struggling with substance use and wants to come spend the summer at your house. Let’s start with a positive statement that commits to your interest in having the relative over, such as, “I really value our relationship and would love to see you this Summer.” Then we would get into the factors that you need to say “yes.” You may say, “In order for us all to have a great experience, I’m going to research the closest hotel for you to stay in. We would enjoy going out to dinner and meeting you at a water park for the day.” This is a way of establishing a boundary by indicating that you don’t want them to stay at your home and you would prefer to see them in public places. This part of the conversation is going to sound different based on what boundaries you are setting.

The hardest part of this conversation might be when the person responds in a negative way. They might say, “Well, I assumed I would stay with you and I was hoping to stay for the whole Summer.” Your response might sound like, “It sounds like we had different expectations for this visit. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable with those options. We want to see you and would enjoy meeting for a dinner and a day at the water park.” You are restating your boundaries and addressing th difference in expectations. If you continue to be met with resistance, it is appropriate to say, “It sounds like we are going to agree on these expectations. I’m sorry that we won’t be able to see you this Summer.” 

Your boundaries only mean something when you are able to enforce them. The other perspective I like to point out is that you are experiencing the discomfort of a tough conversation, which is hard, but you are avoiding the discomfort of having a relative in your home all Summer long. Choose which discomfort you want to experience. Sometimes we forget that some discomfort now actually saves us from discomfort later. Either way there is discomfort, but the conversation is usually a temporary one. 

Being an empathetic person means that boundaries are going to be hard. But there is a quote that I like by Silvy Khoucasian, “Empathy without boundaries is self-destructive.” 

To talk through your specific situation, contact an Anxiety Specialist here.

Boundaries: How to Say Yes

I want to offer a different perspective on boundaries with this post. Many people believe that boundaries mean saying “no” to things and that’s actually not true! I like to think of boundaries as the way you can say “yes” to things. Through the process of saying “yes,” we also get the opportunities to assess our values and act accordingly.

An example of a scenario where you identify boundaries to say “yes” might be if you have a family member who struggles with a substance use disorder and they want to come visit you for the Summer. This can be a hard situation because you want to see your relative and value time with them, but you also value providing a safe environment for your children and you may have some concerns about how their substance use may impact your family. Now, you stop and think, “What are the circumstances I need to say ‘yes’?” You may decide that you need this person to stay in a hotel or you set a limit on the length of stay they can be there. Then you have a conversation about what your boundaries are. You may start the conversation by saying, “I’m really looking forward to seeing you and I have some ideas on what will make this a healthy visit for all of us.” 

In the above example, the first thing we determined was what factors needed to be in place for us to feel comfortable saying “yes.” The conversation follows where you lay out those needs, but the other person doesn’t have to accept them. This is where boundaries get a bit tougher because you have to hold firm and also accept that maybe this won’t work out which is then where “no” becomes the only option. 

In future blog posts, I will cover more information on boundaries. To get help with your individual situation around improving boundaries, contact your Anxiety Specialist here.

3 Ways You’re a Perfectionist and Don’t Know It

1. You create rules that you rigidly hold yourself to.  These aren’t productive rules or safety-related rules, these are rules that prevent you from accomplishing a certain goal.  An example of this could be you make a rule that you have to dust before vacuuming, but since you don’t have time to do both of those things together, you don’t do either of them.  Another example is you made the rule that you have to exercise in the morning, but you ended up being busy in the morning, so you skip that day instead of rescheduling it for a different time.

You likely don’t realize the various rules you are making and telling yourself.  A good habit to get into is to recognize that you made a rule and then challenge that rule by asking, “What would happen if I didn’t do that?”  If the rule is made up, then your answer would be that nothing would happen and you can accomplish the goal you set out for yourself.  

2. You rearrange your plans when the original plan changes.  For example, you have a night out planned with friends and the plan was to go out to dinner, but the time frame or the location changed, now your anxiety is high because you already checked the menu and had your driving route planned so you cancel.  Your rigid thought process around knowing what the plan was has created a mindset where anything else seems unsafe.  

It is hard to incorporate flexibility in your mindset when there is safety in your rigidity.  However, practicing flexibility in safe spaces can make it more comfortable.  Going back to the example of going out with friends, if these are healthy friends who can support you through an uncomfortable situation, you might be able to try being flexible with them. 

3. You are the person everyone can count on because you are reliable.  I’ve heard individuals in management say, “If you need something done, find the busiest person in the room.”  The one doing it all gets rewarded with more tasks.  You may ask why being reliable would be a problem, and the answer is that most of the time it is not a problem, however, if you find yourself being overworked and taken advantage of, then it is a problem.  

Over-functioning is the term we give to those who feel the need to go above and beyond and typically find their self-worth in doing so.  Undoing the over-functioning mentality is a slow process, however, it can be done in two components.  One component is checking in with yourself before you answer a request.  Your automatic response is likely to say “yes,” however, checking in to see if you have the time and energy to do that task is necessary.  The other component is to work to increase your self-worth by choosing to spend time on yourself and taking more ownership of your time.

Perfectionism is often rewarded in our society so it is hard to see the fault in it, but it is often not sustainable for the person pressuring themselves to be perfect.  It is an unattainable goal and doesn’t build healthy self-esteem.  Get personalized help with an Anxiety Specialist by contacting us today.

Toxic Positivity is Ruining Your Relationships

Toxic Positivity:  We’ve all heard this phrase before. It’s a quick phrase to describe someone invalidating an unpleasant experience by saying something that usually makes them feel better.  These happen in the most innocent ways because oftentimes the deliverer thinks they are saying something helpful or something that will make you feel better.  An example would be if your grandparent dies and someone says, “at least they aren’t in pain anymore” or “it was their time.”  Those statements do not help you feel any better, but sound “nice” in the moment.  

The person who is using toxic positivity is unaware that this isn’t helpful but is also not allowing themselves to be in a vulnerable moment.  It is vulnerable to say, “I can’t imagine how you are feeling.  I will sit with you in this pain.”  What’s beautiful about this statement is that it doesn’t put an imaginary bandaid on the situation, but it actually offers comfort.  To allow someone to sit with you in their pain and resist the urge to “make it better” is the most vulnerable space you can hold for someone.  

The urge to make someone feel better also prevents us from saying anything at all.  I’ve heard countless clients say, “I don’t know what to say so I’m not going to call them” or “I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing so I won’t say anything at all.”  We are so consumed by saying the “right” thing that we won’t reach out for that connection at all.  The error in this thinking is that it often means, “I don’t know how to make this better for them.”  No one has put you in charge of making it better.  Nothing you say will bring back a deceased relative or cure someone of an illness.  

I encourage you to be present with others while they are in pain.  Allow them to cry and express anger and grief.  Hold a non-judgmental stance so they feel safe to share these vulnerable emotions with you.  If you are feeling insecure about it, you can say things like, “I wish I could make this better for you” or “I’m not sure how to make this better, but I will stay with you.”  These are vulnerable expressions that can bring comfort and safety during a difficult time.  

Therapists know how to hold non-judgmental space for clients and create safety.  If you want to learn how to better hold space for a loved one or need to find that space for yourself, reach out here. 

How to go to Sleep When you’re Anxious

Nighttime anxiety is one of the most common experiences I hear about in my practice.  Many clients even report that they can go the whole day without anxiety symptoms but in the evening those feelings creep in.  It can be reality-based with dread for a big project or presentation happening the next day, but it can also be fantasy-based, such as fear of someone breaking-in.  (Although a break-in can happen, it isn’t likely)  These thoughts can begin once it starts getting dark outside or as soon as your head hits the pillow with the intention of sleeping.  For more information about how to cope with anxiety, check out a previous blog post here.

I have a theory about nighttime anxiety that may or may not be accurate, but here it goes.  As human beings, our eyesight is very limited in the dark, therefore, our ability to survive a life or death situation is limited, so I believe that our anxiety naturally increases at night so that our bodies can be more aware and have a better chance of survival.  Again, who knows if this is accurate or not, but that is my theory and I’m sticking to it until someone tells me otherwise.  

One of the biggest mistakes people make with nighttime anxiety is going to bed and not doing anything to address the anxiety beforehand.  If your body is experiencing all of the physical effects of anxiety, then you are not in the best shape to be going to sleep.  Anxiety often means your sympathetic nervous system is activated and ready for fight-or-flight.  This is obviously nowhere close to sleep.  Your body is ramped up and ready to fight off a predator and you are trying to override that response by sleeping.  Even if you are able to override that response, the quality of your sleep is probably not great.

You have to do something to activate your parasympathetic nervous system which naturally calms the sympathetic nervous system.  The quickest way to activate the parasympathetic nervous system is to do some deep breathing exercises.  This can be guided by an app or video, or just simply breathing in to the count of 4, holding for 4, then exhaling for 4.  That technique is called box-breathing.  The other way to increase safety and allow your body to calm down is by focusing on sensory activities.  These can be daily tasks that you do with intention.  Taking a hot shower and visualizing the stress washing off your body, putting on lotion while massaging any areas that are sore or stressed, and having a skincare routine that feels good and smells good.  These are great ways to wind down before bed and relax your body to put yourself in the best state possible for sleep.  Of course there are also some “don’ts” when it comes to bedtime which include anything with blue light, such as television, cell phones, even tablets for reading that have blue lights.  Another “don’t” is doing other things in your bed during the day that may create an association in your mind that your bed is for work and not for sleep.  Also using dim lights while you’re getting ready for bed can help you ease into the darkness.

Sleep hygiene sounds fairly basic and some techniques might be harder to implement in your nightly routine so talk to your Anxiety Specialist about how to make this fit for you.  Contact here!

How do you know when you are ready for therapy?

As a therapist, I see the way clients have benefited from therapy so naturally, I would recommend therapy for anyone and everyone, but let’s talk about how you really know when you’re ready.

You are ready for therapy when you find yourself talking to friends or family and you notice that they just don’t seem to be giving you the feedback you’re looking for. Maybe they unintentionally invalidate you by saying, “Your life seems amazing. What do you have to be depressed about?” Or they assure you that everything will be OK as a way to pacify you in the moment. Our friends and loved ones are a necessary part of our support system but their efforts to help may not feel like real help.

You are ready for therapy when you listen to a list of symptoms on social media and identify with them. Self-diagnosing or social media diagnosing is never encouraged but if you are identifying with those symptoms and find them distressing, it would be a good idea to meet with a professional. If you genuinely meet criteria for a mental health diagnosis then a therapist would be the best person to discuss this with.

You are ready for therapy if you are having distressing or high-risk thoughts.  These thoughts can sound really scary when you share them with loved ones and they may automatically assume you need to go to a hospital.  Mental health professionals can evaluate these distressing thoughts and determine what type of intervention is necessary.  A hospital can be a great way to access a mental health professional right away, however, if there isn’t an immediate risk, then seeking a mental health professional for outpatient therapy is a great idea.

You are ready for therapy if you feel like you have no one to go to when sharing your emotions.  Mental health has been stigmatized for a long time.  This is also common in some cultures and with some older generations.  It's often easier to show others your broken arm because they know that you need a doctor, but when you show them your difficult emotions, they may not give you the best response.  If you feel like you have no one to turn to who will understand or at least empathize with you, then a mental health professional is the perfect person to talk to.  Having a neutral person to empathize, validate, and support you through difficult emotions can make the world of difference.

Therapists are trained professionals who want to help.  Our goal is to allow you space to share the ups and downs of life.  We want to validate your experience and help you challenge any maladaptive thoughts or behaviors.  Now is the right time to start therapy.  Contact us here. If therapy doesn’t feel right for you, check out my self-guided online course to manage your anxiety here.

Coping with Anxiety

Anxiety has a special way of making us feel overwhelmed and sometimes immobilized.  If this is happening often, then it is also a sign that your anxiety is not being managed well.  Coping with anxiety looks different for everyone so this planner is meant to help you explore your own coping skills.  I can give you some suggestions and even tell you things that I do, but we are all different!

Coping Skills can be broken down into two categories:  Preventative and As-Needed.  Preventative coping skills are routines and habits that you implement to keep you at the top of your game.

As-Needed coping skills are the things we keep in our toolbox for when we are experiencing anxiety.  These are essential for slowing down the spiral of anxiety and returning to a stable state of mind.

Both categories of coping skills are necessary for successfully managing anxiety.  The preventative coping skills set us up for success during our day and allow our as-needed coping skills to work in the moment.

Think of the maintenance you do for your car as a preventative coping skill.  If you don't get the oil changed and rotate the tires, then you are likely to have issues with your car running regularly.  Filling up your gas tank is  like using an as-needed coping skill.  The combination of these things will likely keep your car running smoothly.

We cannot get rid of anxiety, but we can set ourselves up for success when managing it.

Preventative Coping Skills to Try:

• Exercise

• Eating a Healthy Diet

• Creating a Sleep Routine

• Meditation

• Reading

• Positive Affirmations

As-Needed Coping Skills to Try:

• Deep Breathing

• Grounding

• Taking a Walk

• Taking a Break from a Situation

• Talking to a Trusted Friend

These are some suggestions that have helped many clients, however, Coping Skills are not a one-size-fits-all type of thing. Talk about your specific coping needs in your next session. Contact here!

Why do you charge no-show fees?

No-show and late cancellation fees are controversial in the therapy business.  There are times when fees for no-shows and late cancellations cause a complete breakdown of the therapeutic relationship.  It is a pain point among therapists for this very reason.  Why would we ever want to destroy the relationship we have worked so hard to build and maintain with a client?  

The simple answer is, we don’t.  

Before we dive further into that, I want to point out how common it is to be charged for a no-show or late cancellation at a doctor’s or dentist’s office.  It is even common to be charged when seeing an esthetician or hair stylist.  Some have even started requesting a non-refundable deposit before a service is even provided.  Why should a therapist’s office be any different?

Now, we jump back into that therapeutic relationship.  I know how hard it is to find a therapist you feel comfortable with and how a fee can sometimes feel like a personal attack or threat to that relationship.  However, I invite you to have a different perspective on this.  In any relationship, boundaries are necessary so that each person can feel safe and valued.  

In the same way that I would help you to recognize a boundary that needs to be set, I identify those in my life and career as well.  

In the same way that I would tell you to advocate for yourself, I look for ways to value myself too.

In the same way that I would help you find a way to talk to your boss about getting fair compensation for the time you work, I also have difficult conversations about getting the compensation I deserve.

In the same way that I would remind you of the boundaries you’ve stated before, I also remind myself of the boundaries I’ve established. 

Charging no-show and late cancellation fees is how I establish a boundary, value myself, and get fair compensation for my time.  These are the same concepts I have discussed in sessions with my clients.  Boundaries are not a personal attack, but instead are a way to protect our value.  I value your time and I appreciate that you value mine.  

We all make mistakes and mess up our schedules from time to time.  We are human and we are allowed to let our humanness show.  Allow yourself room to make the mistake and let’s keep moving forward with our therapeutic goals!

If you need to reschedule a session, please visit the client portal here.

How to Get Ready for an Online Therapy Session

Online therapy became well-known due to the COVID-19 pandemic when so many people continued to need mental health therapy and other healthcare services, but it wasn’t safe to go into the office. However, telehealth options have been around longer than that and continue to be an integral part of healthcare. While you don’t have to get ready and drive to an office, there are still preparations to make sure your online session is impactful.

The first things to consider when scheduling your appointment is:

• Where you will be at the scheduled time?

• Will you have privacy?

• What will your internet connection be like?

After you’ve answered those questions and been able to find a private place with a good internet connection, let’s consider your other basic needs. I recommend using the bathroom before your session as well as eating your meal before logging on. It’s hard to understand you while you're chewing! I would also recommend having a beverage and tissues close by.

Find a cozy place that allows you the ability to feel relaxed while still allowing your to see the screen. Consider your animals as well! Cuddling with your pet can be a great way to reduce emotional distress and I personally love to see them!!

Distractions in therapy are hard for you and for your therapist. There is a rapport that we work hard to build with you and we focus on creating an environment that is safe for you to share with us. That may seem irrelevant in online therapy, but It’s actually very important! We can both sense when one of us is distracted or not engaged in the session and it takes away from the safety. Some things that interrupt the flow of a session:

• When someone randomly walks into view (especially if we didn’t know anyone was around)

• When you start carrying the camera around the house (It gives me motion-sickness)

• When you are typing or scrolling another website during the session

Inevitably, life happens and if you have any of the above happen despite your efforts to plan, that is normal. I am understanding and appreciate the fact that we are all susceptible to life’s challenges.

Are you ready to get started? Schedule your first session here.