Toxic Positivity is Ruining Your Relationships

Toxic Positivity:  We’ve all heard this phrase before. It’s a quick phrase to describe someone invalidating an unpleasant experience by saying something that usually makes them feel better.  These happen in the most innocent ways because oftentimes the deliverer thinks they are saying something helpful or something that will make you feel better.  An example would be if your grandparent dies and someone says, “at least they aren’t in pain anymore” or “it was their time.”  Those statements do not help you feel any better, but sound “nice” in the moment.  

The person who is using toxic positivity is unaware that this isn’t helpful but is also not allowing themselves to be in a vulnerable moment.  It is vulnerable to say, “I can’t imagine how you are feeling.  I will sit with you in this pain.”  What’s beautiful about this statement is that it doesn’t put an imaginary bandaid on the situation, but it actually offers comfort.  To allow someone to sit with you in their pain and resist the urge to “make it better” is the most vulnerable space you can hold for someone.  

The urge to make someone feel better also prevents us from saying anything at all.  I’ve heard countless clients say, “I don’t know what to say so I’m not going to call them” or “I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing so I won’t say anything at all.”  We are so consumed by saying the “right” thing that we won’t reach out for that connection at all.  The error in this thinking is that it often means, “I don’t know how to make this better for them.”  No one has put you in charge of making it better.  Nothing you say will bring back a deceased relative or cure someone of an illness.  

I encourage you to be present with others while they are in pain.  Allow them to cry and express anger and grief.  Hold a non-judgmental stance so they feel safe to share these vulnerable emotions with you.  If you are feeling insecure about it, you can say things like, “I wish I could make this better for you” or “I’m not sure how to make this better, but I will stay with you.”  These are vulnerable expressions that can bring comfort and safety during a difficult time.  

Therapists know how to hold non-judgmental space for clients and create safety.  If you want to learn how to better hold space for a loved one or need to find that space for yourself, reach out here.